A contract which binds the undersigned filmmaker (meaning you!) and their eternal soul to the dark lord Satan… er… I mean, to make sure their sinematic… um… cinematic vision remain PURE and TRUE to the independent spirit.
“I swear to submit to the following set of rules drawn up and confirmed by DOGPILE 95:
- Shooting MUST be done on location with no soundstages. However, if your Mom’s basement is a $500,000 soundstage, then by all means shoot there. . Props and sets must not cost over $5 to make or produce, unless stolen or obtained through selling your body, or if you have a rich producer then spend his money. The point is, don’t be stupid like Troma and spend your own money.
- The sound must never be produced apart from the images or vice versa. But if you thought that there should have been ambient sound that wasn’t there at the time, you can put it in, or if your brother’s band has a cool song, put it in. We won’t tell…
- The camera must be handheld unless your penis is hand held, which in this case a tripod is admissible. Or if you don’t have any arms, then by all means use a tripod! If you have no penis, use a stedi-cam, those look great. For a female with no penis, call the Troma editing department. For a female with a penis, call Rosie O’Donell.. Any movement or immobility attainable in the hand or any other body part you can strap a camera to, is permitted.
- Use natural light whenever possible (Shooting illegally at night on private property is a good way to gain natural light through police flashlights and spotlight.), but if natural light seems too artificial, then by all means use some lights…
- Optical work and filters are forbidden. But what the fuck, if you can afford them, use em. Use your imagination. There shouldn’t be a rule like this, as the late Billy Wilder said “There mustn’t be rules like #5.”
- The film mustn’t contain superficial action. So there better be murders, weapons, hard-bodied lesbians, boobies, and more boobies.
- What the fuck is wrong with when and where the story takes place… sure worked for George Lucas. If the storyline involves it, feel free to alter time and space as we know it. The film can be wherever the mind takes you, like Buffalo NY, but we aren’t pressuring you. Shoot wherever you want! Seriously! Do what we say.
- Genre movies are acceptable. Unless they are from pretentious boring genre like that movie about gay cowboys eating pudding. By the way, what exactly is a genre movie? See Shakespeare. Is that genre? Is Ron Jeremy’s Texas Dildo Masquerade genre? Then by God we want to be genre!
- The film format must be Academy 35… er 16mm… er video… just make your movie anyway you can get it done. As long as it doesn’t suck.
- The director must take credit for his art. Even if it sucks, or if its someone else’s and you can get away legally with it. The only exception is if you directed Italian For Beginners.
Furthermore I swear as a director to stay true to my artistic vision! I swear to refrain from listening to anyone’s opinion of my work until it has been completed. My artistic integrity more important than making a film that will appeal to everyone. My supreme goal is to create and interesting and unique film. I swear to do so by all the means available and at the cost of any good taste and any aesthetic considerations.
Thus I make my BOW-WOW-VOW OF FAST-AND-SHITTY
Cannes, May 20th 2002
On behalf of DOGPILE 95,
P.S. If Steven Spielberg, David Geffen, or Jeffrey Katzenberg are reading this, I’ll suck your cock and swallow for a job!